michaella simpson
the first time
The first time/I won a jar of jellybeans/552 multicoloured multitude of/blue skies and yellow grass my friends and I sharing the sweets that taste like/lemonade raspberry cola/blueberry was my favourite but the boy down the road liked apple/and we devoured them with laughter/when word passed that I became the town jellybean dealer/there are worse things one could be arrested for/what is crime? I was a/kids love jellybeans and because I had them they loved me/shoving them inside our mouths until we were/gasping no/inside gasping/no/no/ no/no/more jellybeans/after three months we found other ways to spend our time ask/what’s your favourite film?/he said Fight Club and American Sniper/warning signs should have been/screaming around the field while the neighbours asked us to be/silent/he said/want to go to the playground?/are we still friends?/with a text he asked/are we still/friends? I deleted the taste of jellybeans from my memory/the ability to hug another person/the skin of my body/is no longer my own so I/Google questions? How/to escape? How/to heal? How/to get over it? How/to taste jellybeans again?/because the blueberry tastes like salt minerals leaving micro cuts against my lips and raspberry tastes like/rust was growing up the side of his truck/and apple tastes like/The first time/I’m in a play/adult play/with stage lights the colour of those jellybeans and I’m/terrified of what was happening this was/a big deal to me but he says/no/take his voice away like he did/Philomele is my sister but she’s also me and we’re performing what/happened to me?/Questions without answers we’re all still asking/what happened to me? What/happened to Philomele is what happened/to the jellybeans? What happened to the taste? What happened/to Philomele happened to me happened/The first time/I’m in a play that makes me clasp my ears/too tight it hurts/do you know why it was wrong for Tereus to cut out my tongue/and skin me alive/A hunter/meat eater/he has a taste for jellybeans and/blueberry was my favourite but the boy down the road liked apple and we devoured/he devoured/devourer becomes devoured becomes/an actress performing a piece of/her life is fucked without those/kids love jellybeans and because I had them/he loved me/painfully/unlawfully/and for/The first time.
Michaella Simpson is a 22-year-old University of Auckland graduate who is attempting to understand the rumblings in her mind. When she isn’t writing, she can be found daydreaming about travelling or making bad TikToks at 3am.