Lily Holloway
sand
i will write this poem before
before i can sit my mum down for coffee
fix my eyes firmly on the flat white between us
& say
i’m not a woman
i’m definitely not a lady
& only sometimes a girl
[as in your girl]
[as in her girl laughing]
& i will definitely/ \& maybe also
apologise/ \for being less like her
for being a hassle/ \than we thought
& mum it’s not so much being able
to identify however i want!
as it is
being able to identify however i am!
as it is
taking off a smelly coat
with someone else’s tissues
in the
pockets
[& she will like that reference
to the op-shopper’s nightmare]
& i imagine her saying
well that’s perfectly alright
you see
i know & we have always known that gender
was never meant for binding
only for sandcastles
[& i will like that she is calling me
a poem]
I won’t pretend to be a person anymore
I won’t pretend to be a person anymore.
I’m an embroidered handkerchief
wrapped around a pocketful of shell pieces
now to be shaken out in dust
and little shards / that’s the reason
I’m all over the show / that’s the reason
I turn up where I don’t belong:
in the bottom of your handbag,
under couch cushions,
wedged underneath somebody’s fingernail.
I won’t pretend to be a person anymore.
I’m a crispy autumn leaf running with the wind
down your suburban cul-de-sac
towards the water, always towards the water /
that’s the reason I’m always moving
with a sense of urgency
for at any moment the brakes of a bus
could screech and remind me
of where I’ve come from /
that’s the reason I’m always dancing
under the bodies of cars.
I won’t pretend to be a person anymore.
I’m an eel slipping over a wet field
under the bellies of your herd
which you see only out of the corner
of your eye / that’s the reason
I’m always adapting, my oesophagus
an osmoregulatory organ,
I’ll never return to the salt water /
that’s the reason I’m always dying en masse
some sort of coordinated omen of destruction,
some sort of piling of bodies in the shallows.
I won’t pretend to be a person anymore.
I’m a larval wasp in the middle of a fig
the pollinator and the infiltrator /
that’s the reason I’m always startling
those people who chomp
with abandon / that’s the reason
I’m incubating my anger softly
and in private / that’s the reason
I’m building my own stinger
molecule by molecule.
I won’t pretend to be a person anymore.
Truthfully something irreversible has happened /
that’s the reason I’m the tumbling
of something or other down a steep hill /
that’s the reason I’m a bowl
of porridge in the rain / that’s the reason
I’m a raging bear / that’s the reason
I’m a wrecking ball / that’s the reason
I’m sweetcorn fritters with sour cream.
I won’t pretend to be a person anymore. I just won’t.
u r the runescape gf & i am the neopets gf & we r both hotties
our bitmoji r sexually attracted 2 each other
they crawl between the screens @ nite
2 tell each other their hopes & dreams & have electric sex
no wonder our phones r never fully charged!
i’ve got a candy crush on u sweet thang!
& i’m lining everything up 4 a huuuge combo
that’s when we can progress 2 the lemonade lake
& live our lives in financial independence!
i used 2 always take shane as a husband in stardew valley
he was a tragic fixer-upper & it was my duty 2 save him
but now i have self-respect & save my pixelated pepper poppers 4 u, my luv
i don’t have the time 4 a saviour complex, tragic men can save themselves
i’m sending u a farmville request, i’m sending u 63 of them actually
i wait beside my phone 4 u 2 send me bricks 4 my valentine’s themed horse stable
& i’m not anxious that u will unfriend me or anything
that’s how secure i am in how much u luv me
my heart is ur neopet & u never leave it famished, starving or dying
u feed it omelettes & jelly everyday & design it the cutest neohome
& u read it so many books that its intelligence is ULTIMATE GENIUS (205)
r u the shop wizard............. cos u got what i am searching 4!
once my aunt sold my lanyard of tamagotchis @ a garage sale 4 $2 & i cried
if my aunt sold u 4 $2 @ a garage sale i’d do more than cry
i’d probably push her down the stairs or @ least run away 2 my friend’s house
i don’t mind what u evolve into cos it’s more bout the journey anyway!
i’m focusing on levelling up my gf metre so i can be an op gf 4 u
i’m grinding & getting all that gf xp by getting u hot water bottles & holdin ur hand & stuff
i have more hours in ur game than i ever had in magic school bus: lost in the solar system
i must be a golden pickaxe cos irl i’m a softie................4 u
Lily Holloway has a Teletubby tattoo and a chapbook in AUP New Poets 8. For more of their work you can visit lilyholloway.co.nz or follow them on Twitter (@milfs4minecraft).
Please note that due to its formatting, ‘sand’ is best viewed on a tablet or computer.