Ruby Macomber
Twelve reasons I should be accepted onto Survivor New Zealand Season Three
One. I am over eighteen and have been for a while now. Indigenous heart to prove my citizenship and meet your diversity quota (plus two forms of valid ID).
Two. I can run fast when chased. Faster when I’m chasing something. Fastest when trying to hold in piss.
Three. I can remind all the Pākehā whose land they are playing on. Cut privilege while they wield a machete like a knife.
Four. Beans and rice are yummy. My household only recently got a rice cooker ’cos nobody believed in spending money on appliances that are only good for one thing. Even after I paid for said rice cooker, they used pots in silent protest.
Five. I know what it means to sleep under the stars. What it means to shake so bad you don’t know whether your skin is more air or body. What it means to look for things that aren’t there: idols, alliances, money, love.
Six. I am keen to challenge myself. Surviving is something I am already pretty decent at: twelve bouts of pneumonia, bad brain, a high school boyfriend, intergenerational trauma, 25-year-old teenagers running red lights, an expired learner’s license, the Ender Dragon, a tumour shaped like Rangitoto, being Indigenous without land or language.
Seven. and I never ran out of grace.
Eight. The other contestants would never suspect me as a threat. I would skilfully affirm that belief initially, sly, I struggle to open tightly closed jars! I’ll make up for being weak with my ability to correctly guess my tribe’s Myers-Briggs personalities. When overwhelmed, I’ll run to the nearest moss-covered crevasse by the sea and wait for the tides to bite my ankles back to camp.
Nine. I so badly want to get out of Auckland, even if just for a few days.
Ten. Fucking let me play.
Eleven. Please.
Twelve. I want to sit on a beach at the end of the day and laugh. It’s all just a game.
Ruby Macomber will write your resignation letter/birthday card/eulogy for the small price of $4.99. She has been published in Landfall, Pantograph Punch, The Spinoff, Waka Kuaka, Metro and in previous issues of Starling.