Sinead Overbye
The River
it starts with a drip
drop down
a trickle it starts
with a tear —just one
another & then
i’m gone melting
overflowing
with
emotion
&
it’s a cliché i know —i don’t care— it’s kind of genuine
it’s kind of the most honest i’ve ever been
look what’s become of me —i’ve lost my face
my hands my arms
my entire body
i’m losing my mind —maybe—
for a girl who doesn’t love me
here’s how it began:
we sat together in an empty flat
scrubbing the marks of our year off the walls but not speaking
it’d been too long for words to matter anymore
i put the last of my belongings in two shoeboxes
she said she didn’t want to stay with me the night
she said i can’t do this anymore it’s not your fault
i’m thinking about our future
i’m thinking of a future you without me a me without you
&
remember that time we went to that party
you left halfway through a conversation to go buy cigarettes
that was embarrassing & remember when you started yelling at me
in our bedroom when all the flatmates could hear
that was embarrassing too & when you never forgave me
for the bad thing i did it felt like you were trying
to make me depressed
& that’s how it happened
things changed —they always do—
she left with a bag of dirty cleaning cloths
& i cried in the kitchen because
that’s how i cope
i have watery eyes always waiting
for something to overflow about
when i was a child i cried about everything—
loud noises from the neighbours’ backyard or losing my scarf
in the supermarket or the muppet movie
set in outer space— i was too young to be unafraid but still
too old to be crying at puppets—
& when nan died i cried for days
the sky cried too there was mist rising
from the grass—
& i need to harden up i know i have tried
but already
my body’s
dribbled down
i seem to have melted into myself
to have liquefied i’m being set free
i’m becoming liquid flow
&
the flow won’t stop i can’t help it i cry
& watch my body melt & then keep crying
i started as a puddle —a little pool of a thing—
in the house on the hill on the kitchen tiles
which we’d just finished cleaning
i was nothing too substantial at first
now i’m growing —flowing— into a kind of stream
rushing down the driveway onto the street
you could place your hand in me feel the water on your palms
hear me speak
—here i am —at last— the water is me—
did you even notice
can you even hear me
above the sound of your loud music
i see you cross at the traffic lights
with headphones in
i want to know if you miss me now i’m gone
please
please
look at me
i’m changing fast
watch how
i trickle
down
drop
drip
drip drop
drop
drip
& it’s kind of fun
to be undone
to become no body
no thing
pouring through streets
where people go for coffee
& you no longer recognise me
i try to wave
but my waters aren’t
big enough yet
for waving
oh & it’s been such a long journey
i’ve grown too big
for this countryside
rippling
carving grooves into the earth
i deepen widen
the land ushers me out
towards the sea—
only now am i grateful for the tears
the grass bows down as i pass
the trees tower beside me
the sand sinks
the ocean is calling me home to her
i release you
&
become the river i was always meant to be
Sinead Overbye (Te-Aitanga-a-Māhaki, Rongowhakaata, Ngāti Porou, Te Atiawa) recently completed an MA in fiction at the IIML. She is currently working and living in Wellington, and is an NZSA mentorship recipient for 2019.