Ash Davida Jane
me & you & you & you
i want to walk around with you
and be looked at i like
to be looked at
but if you look at me the wrong way i will not like it
it’s up to you to know the right way
i want to walk around by myself and be invisible
but look at my reflection
in the windows of the shops i pass
i want to see myself reflected in your pupils
and a tiny image of you reflected
in the pupils of my reflection
and so on and so on
until there are hundreds of us
growing infinitely smaller
doing nothing but looking
and even after all of this
i still get shy when i undress
i think if you stop looking at me like that i might die
but then i get up and
am alive again
but i will not let you look at me anymore
i will not even video call you
and look at myself in the little box in the corner
because i might see you reflected in my face
i don’t want to be bearable for you
i want to be a disembodied voice
filling the air and floating omniscient and all-powerful
telling you how much i like your shirt
whenever i see someone on a bike
i think it’s you
even if you’re in another city
even if you are walking beside me
there are hundreds of you
riding red bicycles around the streets of wellington
and i am looking at all of you
you are moving towards me
and away from me at the same time
you are moving very fast and giving way
to another you you are turning into the sunlight
you are not looking at me
you are not even looking
Ash Davida Jane is a poet from Pōneke. Her second book, How to Live with Mammals, will be published in April 2021 by Victoria University Press.